A walk I didn't want to take

The long drive home last night from Sahuarita and my mind would not stop taking walks down memory road. I couldn't sing loud enough to get all of the thoughts out of my mind. I couldn't drive fast enough to get home. My mind was dead set on the past... four years!

First thought was...
my puppies, oh how i miss them. No matter what each time I walked through that door their tails would wag (their tails where like whips... they could give you welts!) and Shelby would make this noise like she was crying and Bluzie couldn't contain herself. It didn't matter how my day went or how their day went. It didn't matter if I yelled this morning or took them out for a walk. I was home and for them it was just the greatest! It was the BEST welcome home EVER! I remember the days when I would get annoyed by Bluize jumping on me and Shelby crying. I just can't believe I took those days for granted.
It took me along time after they left to not come home and go directly to the sliding glass door and I opened it to nothing, no puppies, no manic Bluzie, no whinny Shelby. I would squat down by the sliding glass door, bury my head in my hands and just hope all of it was a dream and any minute they would come through the door. To some this must sound so silly but to me they were my babies, I loved and cared for them with everything I had.

Then my marriage...
Sometimes as much as I hate to say this I miss Michael. It is sometimes hard to not think about the past and the plans that we had together. I know that I wasn't the best girl for him and vice versa. I do miss coming home to him in his boxers and white shirt video game controller in hand and dogs in lap! It is hard for me to deal sometimes... I even find myself questioning the choice we made even though I know with my whole heart is was the "right" choice.
Did I rush
Did I not give enough
I jumped heart first and I lost my head, but it felt so so good!!!

I wonder if I could have done more or if only I would have known what I know now. We were both to stubborn for are own good. he was my future, my best friend and now we are each others nothing...
I still remember the day I was arm-n-arm with my dad walking straight forward looking into Michael's eyes. Surrounding by my friends and family, holding tight to Michael's hands I said I DO to the man I loved!
My marriage was defeated despite all attempts... sleepless nights, puffy eyes, joy, pain, love, laughter, it ended in defeat.

that is life and I do feel stronger and I have learned a ton about myself. I know I will still get weepy on long drives home when i look back on the past but I now have learned to learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. Life is hard but the most amazing thing is you are in charge of your happiness. You have CONTROL, i have control!!!